im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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