Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
