took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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