Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
