Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
