Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize