roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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