currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
