how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
