He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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