you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i think im in europe. pls send help
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
