He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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