i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize