two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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