The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize