Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
