I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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