your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm passing your future prison.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
