Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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