Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
