I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
