I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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