you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize