I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
