They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He has the fingertips of a God
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