if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
