we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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