Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
