the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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