tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize