Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
