i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Are we still banned from the library?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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