She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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