Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
