i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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