Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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