why didn't you poke me back
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize