He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
