I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
