I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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