how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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