i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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