I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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