i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
