my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
