What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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