I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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