I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
pray to the hookup gods
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
