She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
