Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
