Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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