I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
