Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
This house was built for laser tag.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
