My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
this is an emotional support booty call
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize