I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
