i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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