I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
