put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize