Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
