i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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