i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
