Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
