i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
