i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
