is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
