Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
