a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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