I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
