Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
