Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
