I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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