It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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